Hello, dearly beloved.
This entry might get a little long, so you’d do well to bright a cup of tea, perhaps a slice of cake, blanket to warm your legs or a cat to pet in your lap while you’re reading. Inspired by Daněk’s blog (http://waste4noreason.blogspot.com) in which his author presents existential topics with the skill of a seasoned essay writer and makes them look witty and interesting at the same time I decided to stitch one of these together myself. Sadly enough, the read will be much less tasty. But it will be in the Swan’s own language.
I’m sitting in a one-and-half-person bed, wrapped in sheets and surrounded by cushions on all sides. I also feel like crap. This is one of the things that suck oh-so-very-hard about living by yourself. There’s noone to tell you „Man, you look sick, go lay in bed some and I’ll fetch you some Coldrex from the pharmacy“ or something, offer consolation and prepare a bucket next to the bed. Even though I completely kicked ass this morning during the beach volleyball practice, I’m now quite certainly ill. I remember once in Oundle I had a flu. I didn’t know about it, I was just a little tired and woozy. It took my Gov. & Politics teacher telling me to go to the sickbay to make me break the school routine. People say doctors are the worst when diagnosing themselves. I concur.
But I have to say, it’s mostly nice to live by my own. I get to decide what’ll be for lunch, I get to buy the food (while I do not enjoy spending money, I love the feeling of acquiring a tasty piece of something I can eat without a moment of hesitation afterwards), I get to decide when’s the bed time, I get to hide from everything in my bed listening to music and there’s noone to disturb me, I get...lonely, from time to time. Luckily enough, I’m now living a romance of some sort which I’m quite thoroughly enjoying, hence I also get to have a free appartment whenever I want to have the girl come over. That’s nice, yes, it is.
Back on the track. The school’s successfully „offblasted“ (as Vladko would say) and is keeping me extremely busy. I study all the time and whenever I don’t, I think about how I should be studying instead of whatever I’m doing. Unfortunately, even with all this effort I don’t find enough time and energy to allocate evenly among the various subject we’re being taught. 90% of the time I study anatomy. The remaining 10% are stretched among histology, latin and some biochemistry.
Ugh, my stomach hurts. And I’m cold. This might be flu, but I’m not experiencing the neck-muscle ache which is a trademark of the classical flu...
Aaanyway, I’m quickly losing my will to study this hard. We all know the prospects of a young wannabe doctor – 6 years lost in med school, the hardest field of study around, 4 years of acquiring the attestations, low salary, night shifts, being a slave to the patients... This may not apply to ALL of the medical branches out there, but it does to those I find interesting – urgent medicine and with the exception of low salary also surgery. Now, people say „Your fault, you shouldn’t have gone to med school, you knew what it’d be like“. Yes, they are right. I was warned and what I’m experiencing now is vanilla ice compared to, say, pathology. Still whenever I stop for a while and think about what I’m doing and where am I going, I’m terrified. Much like Dan I ask myself „What do I want to do, where do I want to go?“ and I’m finding that my current life is not the answer. Still, I think I will simply and blindly push on and hope for the best.
Seriously, my insides feel wrong and I’m shivering.
Also I’m experiencing a streak of low-confidence induced/inducing events. Bowling with my family and my dear’s family this Saturday I didn’t even score 100. ONE HUNDRED! I usually get over 140. Also, I feel fat. The scales at my parents‘ showed 78kilograms, my all time maximum. My headset appears to be having some technical difficulties. And I’m sick. And I write a test tomorrow for which I planned to revise today, which I can’t do as I am now. And there’s no way I’m going to memorize the 150-200 latin words along with their declinations for this Wednesday.
Unless I want to delve deeper into my love affairs – which I don’t, at least not here – there’s not much else for me to write about. I wish I could just go throw up again to ease the poor sac of meat that calls itself my stomach, but I fear there’s nothing left in it. Apologies for the oral diarrhoea and various disgusting lines and references.
I’ll be back in a day or two. Stay tuned.
Over and out,
Adam