On Mercenaries

OK, another post. I've arrived into our second lecture hall and have some 45minutes before the lecture starts. So, instead of using the productively, I'll tell you a little story about my father and myself.

He recently attended an employee evaluation testing that lasted for two days and consisted of various tests analyzing you motivation, efficiency, loyalty, role skills and other relevant variables. At first they had to sort seven colours according to, I don't know, how they appealed to their sences, how they made them feel, how they energized them and whatnot. Then there were over 200 (!), around 250 terms ranging from "work" or "family" to "interstructural networking" or "signal encryption modulation" that had to be allocated three colors ranking from the most suitable to the third most suitable. This was then evaluated (obviously if you had purple as the colour that made you feel the worst and then allocated it to work, you were found disloyal etc) and they were given their position on loyalty/efficiency scale.

The four ranks you could score were "evangelist" for loyal and efficient, "resident" for loyal but inefficient/not motivated, "mercenaries" for not loyal but efficient and finally something I don't even remember the name of that was neither loyal nor efficient.

My father, quite unsurprisingly, was foud to be extremely unmotivated, not loyal at all, but highly efficient. He gets his work done superbly, as long as he is paid enough, then goes home and doesn't give a damn about the company at all.

This is how I tend to feel these days, only related to the college, not work. I want to get it over with, waltz through the exams and get back to doing whatever it is I find enjoyable. I think, though, that this attitude is higly unsuitable for medicine in particular. Many of the people that I see around myself are evangelists, they live the school, and I fear that is the only way one can get through this place.

Most importantly, though, finding myself feeling this scared the shit out of me. Hell, I'm just half a year (well, less, but...) into what I "chose" to do for life and I already find it a neccessity I must bear with, not an interesting domain where I can realize myself. Perhaps this will pass and I will finally take off. Till then, I remain dubious.

Adam

Tuesday Morning

I have yet to discover the biological mechanism behind this, but mornings can be both extremely joyful and extremely depressing time.

Sadly, today was one of the latter, I guess that was mainly because I had to go to school for the first time in like a fortnight or so. Snoozed the alarm twice, then, with an iron will, stumbled out of bed, tumbled into the kitchen, made myself a cup of ambition (tea), prepared a snack box into the school and had a very determined and focused breakfast. Each and every move I made was intended solely to keep me awake and finish the tasks I have to finish before I can leave the house – there was no joy or grace in any of them.

One thing I avoid at all costs when trying to get up is looking out of the window. It's cold, dark and unfriendly outside, the near-twilight being slit through by the occasional solitary street lamp... Not a sight for those weak of heart. And definitely not a sight that would improve the morale of someone who knows he has to leave the appartment in the matter of minutes anyway.

Everything seems pointless in the morning. School, work, hobbies, relationships, life...it all fades into insubstantiallity. All that matters is the bed, the alarm clock and the blanket.

Well, at least I'm warm now, sitting in the bus with my trusty laptop on my, well, lap, tucked in my headphones, hat, coat and sweatshirt. What gets me through the day is the vision of my bed I will be returning to in the evening.

This concludes my first 2009 dated and fairly pointless post. Surprised that I didn't mention the Christmas and New Year's Eve? Yeah, well, just you wait for it. Much like everything else right now it's faded into insubstantiallity ;)

Adam